KarenUhOh

Knob Creek

          One thing I am not real big on is sucking dick. If there’s a more solitary, arbitrary act going on in any “relationship,” I want to know what it is. As far as I can tell, it’s all about control, and domination, and I am shocked that nobody I can think of has ever seen fit to describe it as an idealized mechanism to shut women up. Besides, that stuff tastes like stale novocaine and it sits in your stomach for days.

          I don’t mean to get sidetracked, but I never got the “dick” business in the first place. I mean why they call it “dick.” I looked this up and all I learned was that it’s been “dick” since the 16^th century. It doesn’t derive from any foreign word, medical term, fond allusion or reference; it must come from Dick, short for Richard, and so you’d think, wouldn’t you, that at some point a 16^th century bard named Richard looked between his legs, saw a graven image and coined the slang. But then, go look up “Richard” in the dictionary and you’ll see nothing about dicks there. Nevertheless, this Richard who became the first Dick must have had something in mind, naming it after the familiar rather than the formal; maybe he had a Little Richard, and felt it apt to shorten the handle. What other explanation could there be? And if I’m right, why don’t guys with really big dicks call them richards? Or have you been doing that since the 16^th century and you just don’t tell? I think I would have heard. I have plenty of guy friends, and you know what they want to talk about. None of them are Richards.

          Far be it from me to blow loads (oops) of your time analyzing a flaccid wad of popular culture, like a George Carlin routine or Andy Rooney After Dark; “Why do they call them ‘cocks,’ anyway?” and anon. Or willies? Or johnsons (Samuel or Lyndon Big)? Or peters (the Great!)? Or puds? At least “wiener” makes technical sense, even though it’s about the limpest sobriquet I can come up with.

          And what about the Yiddish? Why are the Jewish always naming their dicks? Schlong. Putz. Schmuck. I’ve seen a Jewish man’s [your name here]. It was hardly worth an initial, let along a whole name.

          Then there’s the Asian world. They have dongs and wangs.

          I’ll tell you what’s really going on—with men, I mean. Their real problem is with “penis.” It’s the dorkiest word in the dictionary. At least “vagina” is elegant and dignified. Or “clitoris.” That sounds like it might do something for you. And that other word, the one I won’t say. Fuck it. “Cunt.” Now that’s an extremely dirty word, but it sounds very powerful. Maybe even fun.

          But “penis,” I’m sorry. That’s what Woody Allen and Wally Cox would name their love child. Shorten that Richard and you’re holding a pen.

          Do me a favor, will you? Next time you’re in the neighborhood, nose-to-nose with one, stop what you’re doing for a sec and take a good look at your happy little friend. Those doctors aren’t dumb at all. The thing looks like it ought to be called “penis.” It is dorky, which makes “dork” the most fitting nickname of all. Put a teeny-weenie beanie on it and send it off to bed.

          OK, I’m done with the subject. Except here’s one good dick joke. Why are dicks like tires? Because when you blow one, your ride is over.